The Five Most Important Things I've Learned About Making New Friends After 50

We're never too old to make new friends.

Photo by Antonino Visalli on Unsplash

Before I jump in, I hope that if you, like so many of us, were in the path of that voluminous winter storm, I hope you are safe and staying warm. This was a snowstorm like we used to get when we were kids! Back then, I couldn’t wait to go out and play in it. Now, I’m suffering with such a case of cabin fever that I can’t wait to go out tomorrow and breathe in some frigid air. (Like the Norwegian proverb says, “there is no such thing as bad weather, only bad clothing.” (I’ll be wearing my heaviest of jackets, for sure.)

From time to time, I get letters from readers about the difficulties in making new friends once they’ve reached a certain age. I know that feeling well: I lost my two best friends to cancer when I (we) were in our 40s, and I never thought I’d be able to find such special, close friends again.

How wrong I was. What I soon came to realize is that friendship is not a fixed state. Sure, we like to hold onto childhood friends and many of us are fortunate to have the security of old, familiar friends that go way back and have endured from elementary school.

But it’s not at all unusual to lose friends along the way, through death, divorce, moving, a falling out, or simply growing apart. Friendship is fluid, coming and going depending on where you are in your life.

And I’ve come to realize that although there is a “specialness” to having an old friend with whom you share a history, it’s not necessarily the magic - or only - potion for friendship. When I think of myself at age 20 versus who I am today, I can guarantee I’m a better friend today: more grounded and wiser; better able to discriminate and spend time with those who really matter. I’m more equipped to understand the many demands of friendships as well as its many perks. When we’re older, we are better at letting minor disagreements and petty animosities fade away; more keen to the fact that differences don’t need to divide, but can bond, as well.

I can guarantee, too, that the new friendships I’ve made since entering midlife have been extremely meaningful and fulfilling, and have endured for the most part, while bringing me great amounts of joy, surprise and security.

So, what I am trying to say is that it is not impossible; in fact, I personally recommend adding to your friendship roster, and having the confidence that you can.

In case you haven’t heard, there is a loneliness epidemic in this country, and as we grow older, that loneliness can be harmful to our health in many ways.

Here’s what our former Surgeon General, Dr. Vivek H. Murthy, said in 2023:

“Loneliness is far more than just a bad feeling—it harms both individual and societal health. It is associated with a greater risk of cardiovascular disease, dementia, stroke, depression, anxiety, and premature death. The mortality impact of being socially disconnected is similar to that caused by smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day, and even greater than that associated with obesity and physical inactivity.”

It’s true that opening yourself up to new friends - at any age - can be daunting. We’re afraid of being rejected. We don’t know how. We don’t want to get hurt. We may even feel vulnerable and insecure.

We’re all different, and what worked for me may not work for you. But making new friends, especially if you feel a void in your life, can be well worth taking that risk.

Here are some ways that worked for me:

1. Realize that friends fill many different needs. Don’t think that one friend must have all the qualities you look for and need. One friend may not be a great listener, but she’s always up for going out and trying something new. Another may be able to have deep, meaningful conversations, but may not enjoy the same social situations as you.

2. Be willing to put in the effort. Friendship takes work and commitment. Friendships need to be intentional; you must show an interest in engaging with another person. Ask questions; show an interest in their lives. Be open to making plans and even being the one to initiate.

3. Join a group that meets regularly. I never thought of myself as a “group” person; and certainly never thought of myself as a Mahjong player. (Who, me??) But I started listening to all the people I knew rave about how fun the game is (okay, I also gave in to the fact that it is such a popular thing to do right now), and took lessons. And the more I learned, the more I began to enjoy it. From there, I found a group to play with every week. It took no time at all for us to bond and become friends. Quite simply, the game (or any game, really), builds community and connection. While I don’t know much about each one of these women, all I do know is that we all want to have fun and learn the game, together. And so, for now, they are my “Mahjong friends.” And that’s good enough for me! If it turns into something deeper, all the better.

4. Accept that it’s not the number of friends you have, but the quality of the friend that is important. When I was younger, I thought having lots of friends was important; that meant that I was valued and loved. Now I realize that it is the depth of the relationship that is enduring. Numbers are misleading.

5. Think outside the box. Friendships don’t always have to be with people just like us. Expand your pool and seek out people who are a bit different in terms of age, beliefs, and lifestyle; some of my most precious friends have been borne out of intergenerational friendships.

I wrote this essay a few years ago. (Title was not chosen by me!) I’m happy to say that my husband is no longer friendless; he found a local men’s group, began to volunteer driving cancer patients to their treatments, and is making the effort to reach out and keep up with old friends. He is busy almost all the time! (If I happen to see him, I’ll let him know I mentioned him here :)

Who sings it better than Bette? Just divine.

Thank you for reading AfterthePause! Until next time, stay healthy, wellthy and may your friendships proper and endure. Xo

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