How to Be a Better Friend
All friendships need nurturing. Often there's plenty of room to make your friendships even better.
My last newsletter resonated with many readers.
By far, the most popular questions and comments had to do with questions on how to enhance friendships. One reader complained that her friendship felt “one-sided;” another felt she could try harder but simply did not know how.
Although good friendships come naturally to many people, there are just as many who struggle with the concept of forming, and holding onto, good friendships. When you think about it, there are so many things that can tear even the most secure fabric apart; from the serious - like divorce, illness, or death - to the not-so-serious (but just as threatening) like competition, jealousy, distance, differences, disputes, or a simple misunderstanding.
Unlike our families, we get to choose our friends. And I often think that family might forgive more easily…because, after all, they are FAMILY. I know, that type of thinking can be wrong in many cases. There are certainly families that have been torn apart by the same things that threaten friendships. But my thinking is that our long, shared history with our family has to count for something…and forgiveness and tolerance always come to mind.
Hence my point that we need to nurture our friendships because, well, are they ever as secure as our family ties? (Mind you, I didn’t say they are not as - or more - rewarding. They’re just…different.)
If a friendship is important to you, then it’s important to do all you can to nurture it, treasure it and preserve it. The best friendships will endure life’s challenges, and often help get us through them; but not without our desire, input, and willingness to put in the work. Simply put, we need to make time for friendships, for without that, they are sure to wither.
Remember, strong social connections are crucial to keep us at peak functioning physically, mentally, and emotionally. Having friends is just one of the ingredients, though. You need to add a balanced measure of empathy, honesty, respect, kindness, loyalty, and trustworthiness. Oh, and a little humor can’t hurt! Laughing with a friend is a natural way of lowering your blood pressure, reducing your stress, and increasing the release of endorphins.
How to do it?
Send a text. A simple “I’m thinking of you” can brighten someone’s day. Often friends fall out of touch not because of a situation, but because they’ve fallen into a routine of not being in touch.
Take a special interest. When a friend visits, serve their favorite snack or beverage. If you don’t know what it is, ask them, and then surprise them with an extra bag or box for them to take home.
Create memories. Friendships thrive on shared memories. Everyone is busy, but establishing a monthly or quarterly get-together or some sort of ritual guarantees you will get the opportunity to share time and thus, form memories that you can draw back upon.
Schedule a digital happy hour. Many people did this during Covid. I did, and loved it…but swiftly forgot about it once we were no longer prisoners in our homes. But thinking back on it makes me realize how nice it was to visit friends virtually, and stay connected this way. Seeing one another in person is surely not the only way you can connect.
Lead the charge. I recently put out a group text that I was planning to be at the beach at 5:00 on a Tuesday night, and invited everyone who was free. Though we didn’t get a big group, that was perfectly okay. It gave us all a chance for intimate conversation without any obligation beyond that. You can bet I plan on doing this again throughout the summer!
And finally…
When was the last time you paid a friend a compliment? So many people have a hard time with this one. (Hard for me to understand why, actually.) But it goes a long way and definitely helps strengthen relationships. Paying a compliment not only makes you feel good, but it makes the other person happy, too.
Thanks for your comment, Cindy. I love what you said about paying compliments. It is so easy to do yet so many people withhold doing it. Stinginess, self-absorption, competition...yes. But I also feel like it might stem from jealousy and envy, too.
Such an important topic! This is something that you can speak to with authority!